Finding the Truth
by omalleyanatomy26
Summary: Dean reads Sam's journal and starts to understand his brother a bit more and confronts him about it. PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! UPDATED! Dean gets caught by Sam, how does Sam react?
1. Chapter 1

**I've had this idea floating in my head for a while, don't know if it's good or not. **

**Even though it was a few days of Sam being alone before Ruby showed up I'm going to make it longer for this fic.**

**I know this might have a lot of talk about Ruby but it was kind of necessary.

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Dean felt guilty for going through his brother's things, but he felt like he had too. Sam hadn't been completly honest with him since he came back. In fact Sam became someone very different. Dean didn't seem to know his brother anymore. He was hoping that there was _something _in Sam's things that explained his little brother's actions and reactions to things lately. He knew Sammy had a lot on his plate, with his powers and reuniting with his brother but still...Dean still didn't understand Sam like he used to, and he hated that.

He stared something that was a black leather book. He fingered it. It was a journal. A gold mine for what he was looking for. The question was, should he read it? Dean had always respected Sam's privacy beforehand...but still, he had to understand his brother more. Yes, he had to read it. He opened it.

_May 18, 2008_

_Today is the first day without my brother. He's dead. You'd think I'd be upset, but I can't feel anything...it's like all feelings have been earesed. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I just want to remember that I'm still __alive, but I also want people to know that we were here. Bobby's not going to live forever, and how else will people know the Winchester's exsisted?_

_My brother died to save me. Me of alll people. Why? What makes me so Goddamned special? I'm the one that got my family killed. Mom died because of me, she was trying to protect me._

_Dad died because Azazel wanted me out of the way, easier to get to me. Dad was making the deal to save Dean but he made it with Yellow Eyes. So he still died because of me. _

_Jessica died too, because of me. Same with Maddison. _

_It seems like almost everyone I touch dies...including Dean._

_I should really leave Bobby's house soon. I don't want to kill him._

_May 20, 2008_

_Is it possible to feel so dead inside? _

_May 25, 2008_

_Bobby wants to burn Dean's body. I can't bare that idea. Too final. I've decided to bury him._

_Who would have thought that I would have to bury my own brother?_

_May 26, 2008_

_I buried Dean. And yet...I feel nothing. My chest ached, though, when I dug his grave. Bobby wanted to do it but I told him no. _

_Than I told him this wasn't over yet. I was going to get Dean back. I have to. I can't live like this forever._

_I have to go now. Bobby's in danger if I stay near him much longer. _

_I feel cold, but I'm right next to the fire _

_May 30, 2008_

_I know I said I was going to keep this journal to keep my family's legacy alive so I guess I should talk about them_

_My mom, I don't know much about her. All I know is that she died protecting me._

_Dad became obssessed with hunting. How I hated him. How I fought with him, hated the way he controlled our lives. _

_It wasn't until after his death did I realize that he did the best he could after mom died._

_He died probably thinking I hated him. I picked a fight with him the last time I saw him._

_I'd give anything to talk to him again. But I don't know if I could look at him in the face, tell him Dean's dead because of me._

_He'd hate me, I know it. How? Because I hate myself, and dad and I...we're al lot alike. More alike than I'd like to admit._

_And now about Dean... What can I say? He was annoying at times, definantly a wominizer, drank too much...but...he was my best friend. My hero. The person I looked up to the most. I idolized him. I always knew he thought of himself as worthless. I can't believe he didn't see how great of a person he was. How big his heart was. How he sometimes cared so much it would hurt him.. How loyal he was. How protective he was of his family._

_And now he's gone. Because of me. The person with the demon blood inside of him._

_The person that had died and should have stayed dead._

_I can't write anymore...my head hurts..._

_I can't live like this too much longer. I feel like I can't breathe. _

_May 31, 2008_

_I tried to make a deal with the crossroad demons. He just laughed in my face. I stabbed him with the knife._

_No demons will deal with me, I can't believe it._

_Dean's dead. _

_I might as well be dead too._

_Maybe if I just grab my gun and pull the trigger it'll all be over. And I'll be reunited wtih Dean again...because I know I'm going to hell. No way heaven would let demon blood get in there._

_May 32, 3008_

_Ruby tried to kill me at first, but apparently it was an act. I didn't want her walking around in some came back taking a person who had just died. _

_I must be loosing my mind, trusting a demon. She told me about my powers, that I can expand them. I'm terrified of doing that. _

_But if it'll help me kill Lilith than..._

_Am I crazy doing this? What would Dean want me to do? I wish he was here, but he's not. He's in hell...being tortured as I speak. Even if I get Lilith nothing can change that, but hunting her down and expanding my powers? That's all I've got right now._

Dean continued to flip through it, reading about training Ruby, how saving people made him feel alive all of a sudden.

About how Ruby saved him from his own self destruction

_I finally feel alive again. I saved someone. I forgot how good that felt. And I saved them using my powers. MY powers. Powers that were supposed to be used for evil. Now they can be used for good. If I continue to save people than the Winchester legacy can continue on through them. _

_I have to do this, for Dean and Dad. They wouldn't want me to give up. They'd want me to continue to save people, and this is the only way I know how._

Than he read about having sex with a demon

_I can't believe I had sex with a demon...I'm disgusted just thinking about it...but she was so persistent. And...just for a few moments I was...happy. I forgot what it was like to be happy. I forgot what it was like not to think about Dean. For once I wasn't feeling guilt or pain. _

_But still...I can't believe I had sex with her. _

_And yet I know somehow I'll do it again. Just so I can experience that feeling more often. That feeling of being at peace with yourself. Of not really...thinking at all._

_I can't believe I'm falling for a demon._

_Dean would be so dissapointed. But I can't help it. If she was gone I know I'd turn cold. I'd become heartless..I'm terrified of what I had become when Dean died that Wednesday last year, when the Trickster made him dead for 6 months-_

Dean's eyes widened. He knew he died on those Tuesdays, but did he die on that Wednesday as well? This was all news to him

_I can't become that person..._

_I have to remember how to feel. How to care. Ruby helps me remember. She helps me stay human._

More and more of it became depressing but Dean made himself read it. If Sam had to go through it, Dean had to read it.

_I hate myself by each passing day... If I coudln't save the people the way I have been...if it wasn't for Ruby...if I was alone...I don't want to think about it._

Than finally he read about himself returning.

_Dean's alive...I don't know how, but he's alive._

_I lied to him though, about my powers. I know he'd look at me like I'm a freak. I hate it when he does that. Because deep down I still think I'm a freak too._

_I hate lying to him._

Dean closed his eyes but continued to read.

_Oh God...Dean just saw me use his powers...He just left with this look on his face...I...I can barely breathe. He looked so disgusted with me. Like I'm some sort of monster._

_Have I really become a monster?_

_What if he doesn't come back? What if he leaves for good? I can't stand to lose him again!_

_I can't breathe..or think clearly...wait, he's coming. _

Dean already knew what was going to happen next. He still read.

_Dean doesn't understand. He thinks I'm a monster._

_"If I didn't know you I would want to hunt you"_

Dean winced as he read that. Yeah, he was a little harsh there.

_Have I really gone that far off the deep end?_

_And God doesn't like me apparently, from what it sounds like Dean's saying._

_My own brother would want to hunt me._

_He says he doesn't look at me like a freak but he does. I see it in his eyes. He doesn't understand what it's like to have that demon blood pumping in my veins. To have that rage and hate try and consume you. And it nearly did until Ruby came and reminded me what my purpose in life was, to save people._

_But Dean wouldn't understand that. He thinks Ruby's a manipulative bitch. I understand that...but still...would it hurt for him to try and see it my way? To try and understand what I'm going through?_

_It's a constant battle for me. He doesn't know that because he doesn't ahve to deal with it._

_Sometimes the rage is so much I can barely think straight. Sometimes I'm sure it's going to win, but than I control it._

_One day I might not be able to, though._

_God...I really am a monster._

Dean sighed. He hadn't been that harsh on the kid, had he? He knew that he had, but he just hated reading about it.

_I met the Angels. Castiel wouldn't shake my hand at first. Guess he didn't want to get demon blood on him. And Uriel threatened me-_

Dean's eyes widened as he read that. It didn't surprise me but Dean really hated the secrets that his brother was keeping from him.

_Said the moment I started being more trouble than help they'll get rid of me._

_I know I'm a monster now, the fricking Angels don't like me and they don't trust me._

Dean sighed and started to read more when he heard the noise of the door closing from behind him. He jumped and turned around and stared at Sam, who stared coldly back.

"Dean, what the hell do you think your doing with that?"

For once in his life, Dean was speechless....

**So um yeah, let me know if it's crap or not. lol. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews! More people reviewed than I thought they did!

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"Dean?" Sam stepped closer to his brother, an angry look on his face. "Were you reading my journal?"

"I...no, well I..."Dean started to stammer, and realized how pathetic he sounded. "Look man, I'm sorry-"

"You _were going through my things_?!" Sam's voice got darker. "I thought that we respected each other's privacy. That we didn't go searching through each other's stuff!"

"I know man, and I'm sorry but-"

"You've said that already." Sam stared darkly at him. "Find anything interesting to read?" He asked, his voice dripping with sacrasim. Dean winced at his tone.

"Yeah," he said, surprising himself. "I did." He looked at the journal. "Why didn't you tell me I died on that Wednesday? When the trickster was having me die over and over on that Tuesday?"

Sam lowered his gaze a bit.

"And why didn't you tell me about Uriel threatening you? Or all that rage you've been feeling?" Dean continued and Sam's eyes widned.

"I can't believe this! I caught _you _reading _my _journal and now you're trying to make _me _the bad guy?!" He shook his head. "_Unbelievable, _Dean. _Unbelievable._."

"Look, I'm sorry all right?!" Dean's voice snapped. "Look man....seriously, I didn't mean to read it. It's just you've been so damned secretive lately and I've been worried about you-"

"About me what? Becoming a monster?!" Sam's voice rose to a dull roar.

"Yes! No! I don't know!" Dean finally respsonded in an expastered tone. "I just wanted to help you, to _understand _what you've been going through, but you don't let me in! You don't tell me anything!"

"And what about you?!" Sam shot back. "You haven't exactly been _honest _with _me _Dean."

"What?" Dean lookd stunned for a moment.

"About hell, Dean. Uriel also told me to ask you about hell. About what you dream at night. You said you didn't remember it, and I found out from an Angel that you're lying to me," Sam's voice shook.

"It's not like you haven't lied to me," Dean snarled back in anger and self defense.

"Yeah, but at least I don't go snooping around your things!" Sam roared. "At least I respect your privacy! I thought we had an understanding that we _don't go through each other's things_! Journals are _private _for a reason."

His voice was shaking as he spoke.

He turned his back and headed towards the door.

"Sam, where are you going?" Dean's voice was depserate now and Sam shook his head.

Sam turned around.

"How can I live with someone I can't trust?" He asked and Dean stared at him.

"That's funny Sam, coming from you. You haven't exactly been _trustworthy _lately."

Sam winced at that remark.

"Yeah," he said grimly. "Maybe we should give each other some space. Maybe we're better off alone."

"Sammy..."Dean's voice trailed off. "Please, I'm sorry all right? I just wanted to help you...to _understand _what you're going through."

"But you can't understand," Sam said, shaking his head. "Because you're not me." He sighed. "Look, I don't mean it's forever, okay? Maybe we just need...a break from each other."

Dean shook his head.

"You don't mean that." He didn't believe it. Were they really seperating? Sam looked at him sadly in the eyes.

"Yeah," he said softly. "I do." He grabbed his bags and the journal from Dean's hand and walked out the door before Dean could stop him.

Dean stood there for a few minutes, while blinking. One thought was going through his head.

_What the hell just happened?_

**Short, but it's setting up the plot some more, and at least it's updated! :)**


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